Quoted from this page;

"...Apocalypses are revelatory texts, usually embedded in a dream or vision, in which a divine being (usually an angel) mediates or explains a chronologically or spatially transcendent reality. They mostly disclose an eschatological scenario that focuses on the judgement of the dead and the kingdom of God that is to come. The language applied is generally cryptic. Animal imagery, number symbolism and otherworldly journeys are common instruments..."

Also the site will tell you that the Apocalypses were "written in a time of crisis" to give people hope. The hope that their enemies would be destroyed by Godly intervention and the chosen people would be rewarded by God for their faithfulness.

So the Apocalyptic Gospels, most of them by the way apocryphal, so you've never heard of them (an apocryphal Gospel is one not included in the biblical canon, but considered at one time or another part of the sacred course of reading-) were more or less the writer's way of saying "chin up! God's going to eat the guts of the meanies who are oppressing you and give you all the twinkies and porn you'll ever need when he takes you up to heaven in his big shiny gambling riverboat o' love." Savior like a leopard feed on us, I say.

Anyhow, here it is-

1. So it was during the Reign of Bush the Younger that there came unto Indrid the Angel Tim. Tim suggested politely that Indrid go to the Auto Salvage yard down the street from Indrid's roost and publish abroad what he found there.
2. Indrid turned over and told Tim to fuck off, whereupon Tim beat him soundly about the nether regions like a little bitch and forced him into a midnight sojourn to the dark and creaking heart of the dead car cemetary.
3. Indrid, thinking all this a bit lame and accustomed to Tim's occasional wild hairs decided to poke around a bit lest The Angel Tim spank him more and behold he found sitting in the passenger seat of the hulk of a 1978 Plymouth Volare a dented and rusty child's lunchbox, the late 60's early 70's kind with a red and black plaid pattern.
4. In this lunchbox he found a hideously decayed food item (circa 1970-something,) and the revelation of Indrid Cold. A copy was made in triplicate, sent to Bush the Younger, the Pope, and Anthony Robbins, self-help guru.(ed note: A copy was also set aside for Rowdy Roddy Piper, the kilt-wearing former professional wrestler, but a drowsy Kinko's employee spilled some soy latte on it and Indrid said, "Ah, fuck it.")
5. Read now the revelation of Indrid Cold, as told to a number of puzzled and somewhat frightened fast-food drive-through cashiers and convenience store clerks yea that very night.
6. While I was on the potty I was yanked into the ancillary heaven, the one reserved for questionable souls who need to be covertly observed before it is decided they can stay, and the word of the Lord, or someone a lot like Him came unto me saying: Speak to the people, say: when are you going to quit fucking up? You are the children of God, doing the devil's work in the faith of the prophets, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, and Biff. (ed. note: we're still figuring out the "Biff" thing,)

   Just you all remember, that while all creation serves God you are out looking at barnyard porn, wearing rubber masks, stalking federal officials, dressing up like bunnies, spanking each other for fun and profit (ed note: we still don't get the whole spanking thing.) and generally being human. And only you dang hairless monkeys do all that shit consciously and willingly. And yet, you are the monkeys in charge.

7. All the elements have addressed this with me, the Lord God yadayada (ed. note: it is not known if God truly does watch Seinfeld reruns-)-the sun wants to fry your silly asses, the sea would gladly suck you up tomorrow in it's brackish clutches, and the moon and stars say "piss on you" in a cockney-like accent.
8. The Lord God yada yada says to them; Sha, you think I don't KNOW this? That I have seen the websites and read the e-mails and tapped the phones and peeked in on the Chatrooms? That I know what those two by the lake at lunch time on a workday are doing, and that it involves exchanging several different bodily humors? That I see how you just spit in the coffee or hawk loogies in the soup or cum on the donuts? You think I don't KNOW? I'm God, fer chrissakes. (ed. note: it is assumed that HE of all creation can get away with that particular saying.)
9. So to recap; of all the creatures under God's thumb, humanity alone does all the nasty stuff. At least, it does it, and it MEANS to.
10. So, if you want to have a hope of even making it to ancillary heaven, the one that has all the hidden cameras, then you best be singing Amazing Grace at the top of your lungs as you commute daily to and from work. Go on, do it. I don't care if you can carry a tune or not, bitches.
11. See, the angels got you all in check, in case ye didn't know. There is, for example, an angel of sunset, who sings the evensong for all your wounded and evil hearts.
12. There is an angel of midnight, and she takes on the darkness of the souls awake and sleeping all and presents them for healing, no matter the depth of the sin.
13. The angels therefore are your scary ass but basically goodhearted systems administrators and group moderators, and they are filing reports on you all on a regular basis, so keep yo' shizzle clean, mah nizzles.
14. Now I admit I was becoming bored with all this when yet more visions arose, and as with an acid trip I felt compelled to see;
15. A great disturbance would be felt in the force should the angels continue to report of nothing save the iniquities of the Jedi-er, humankind, and the fucking up continue unabated.
16. Churches would be empty, supermarkets would be empty, convenience stores would smell only of the dead clerks behind the counters. Horrors would continue to multiply. Priests would defile young children-er, continue defiling young children, Britney Spears would have at least one more number 1 hit on the charts, joy would definitely perish then, and gladness would depart.
17. There will arise in the west a pretender to the western kingdom, a child of the Alps raised on good beer and weinerschnitzel and prone to orgies in his youth, and in the east the Reverend Al Sharpton.
18. Their risings shall be considered as the lions of eternity in full pounce upon their prey humanity and stuff would just generally suck everywhere. Another King shall rise, or possibly just a supermarket chain mogul, and he shall enforce paper, not plastic. The mountains will fall from lack of trees then but everyone will be happy to be less dependent upon petroleum. (ed. note: here there is a break in the text. At least 4 paragraphs are obscured by what appears to be a Kool-Aid stain, possibly one of the cherry flavors.)
19. There are seven signs of the ending of this world.
20. There will be cable channels devoted to everything, including commercials themselves. There will be gas price gouging in all establishments, and the beef jerky will have more beef, less jerky within the stores.
21. The first day of judgement will see on or about the noon hour a great and mighty voice in the firmament, and it shall be like as unto a million lowriders with their woofers all blasting in synch. A great wave of blood will flow from the north, with massive blasts of thunder, and there will be a rain of blood on the earth. At this all the goth kids and ravers will gather and dance on top of old warehouses, thinking they're all that.
22. On the second day all television channels will appear to be running nothing but Ron Popeil infomercials. There shall be a mass cancelling of all subscriptions and a general grinding and gnashing of teeth. Many will creep outside and smoke 'em if they got em. There will be a great belching in heaven and no one will say 'excuse me.'
23. The third day shall see lots of men prancing about in rhinestone bunny suits and they shall wear the latex masks of females. There will be much smoke and brimstone unleashed then, as well as many shotguns. Then shall men say: I think that the end draweth near, that we shall perish.
24. The fourth day shall see the dropping of many teenybopper favorites to the bottom of the charts and a rise in the use and enjoyment of polka music. The idols of the heathens will spontaneously crumble at the cry of the accordion and Weird Al Yankovic will spontaneously combust.
25. On the fifth day, about the 4th hour there will be a bigass blackout over the cities of the north...
26. Upon the sixth day there shall be signs in heaven. They will be brand endorsements for penis enlargers and breast enhancers, as well as a brand of soda containing "enough caffeine to kill your parents." All the men of earth shall see the Angels descending, and they shall look seriously pissed. Then all men will get the fuck out.
27. On the seventh day there shall be a great trembling in the earth and out of the vast abyss shall rise a creature like as unto the Michelin Man. The humanity left shall erupt in laughter unto death, and their bodies shall be changed. Following this there will be square dance calling and refreshments served in the church fellowship hall.
28. Here ends the Revelation of Indrid Cold, as the Angel Tim has returned to the Lord, his spanking fetish quieted.